Moments

There are most definitely days that I wish I had handled things better as a mother.  I wish I had a better sense of humor to be able to look at the funny side of things or to maybe make light of something that really in the grand scheme of things isn't that serious.  Since I have had 4 children now, that means 3 whole solid years of my life have been spent being pregnant.  THREE years!!!  That's 3 tours in Iraq for a soldier, definitely longer than my son has even been alive, and pretty much 4 -5 deployments back to back!  How insane is that!?  Four tiny little bodies and spirits were depending on me and my body to do the job right and bless them with a body here on earth.  Four lives to sustain, nourish, and protect.  Once they arrive is when the really humbling part starts: being trusted to RAISE these four little lives into the people they need to be - strong in the gospel and on the track the Lord needs them to be to fulfill their missions in life.  ACK!  Now... it gets a little scarier too:  out of the four so far, I am raising 3 future mothers.  I already know I don't want them to be just like me, I want them to be better mothers than that - so I need to step it up and become the kind of mother I would love for them to be to their children.

I was recently released from my calling in the YW program for our ward.  When Sunday rolled around and I went upstairs to get changed out of my church clothes after church - my girls asked me, "Mom... you don't have any meetings?  You don't have to go to the Bishop's house?  You get to stay with us today?"  me: "No, I don't have to go to any meetings, and YES I get to stay with you today.  Mommy doesn't have to work with the YW anymore.  No more thursday nights up at the church either.  Only daddy will have to go."  After I told them all of that, they CHEERED!!!  They were so ecstatic that I would be home with them more often and that's when it hit me.  My family definitely needed for me to be released.... in a really bad way.  I know that I felt exhausted (in more ways than one) and really needed the break - but I didn't realize how badly I needed it until my children clued me in.  It broke my heart to know that my calling had effected them so much and that they were hurting for my attention and love.

So, I'm turning over a new leaf now.  I have baby number 4 on the OUTside of my body now and I am feeling great!  I am happy, I can breathe, and I can dedicate more time to my family and work on myself!  I love it when life gives you a second (no matter how short) to take a deep breath.  I feel like this is my second.